• Elan Cassandra

"The secret I won't tell anyone is..." - character free-write


I cheated on Greg.

Years ago. At a conference.

I just felt so goddamn dead inside.

And then I went to this event where I was on my own for a few days--just me and several hundred (thousand?) other conference attendees. I had my own room. I ate when I felt like it, went to sleep when I felt like it. And on the last night, a bunch of us went to the hotel bar afterward.

I’d seen this guy the day before--had some innocuous exchange.

But then at the bar, I was feelin’ him, as the kids say.

He just made me feel sexy in this way that I guess I hadn’t felt in a while.

It was exciting.

I never thought anything would happen. I just was enjoying the attention. I felt young and I felt powerful. And then I drank too much and made a huge mistake.

I knew it was a mistake immediately. As he was climbing on top of me in the hotel bed I already wanted him to leave...

But I think most women know the guilt that comes with that.

I know it shouldn’t, and I know we’re telling girls these days that they can stop at any point, but that’s just not what it felt like.

And so I pretended to be into it, then made an excuse to go back to my room when it was done.

I slipped out the next morning even though I had a couple more talks to go to. I didn’t want to see him and I didn’t want to be there anymore.

I just wanted to go home.

When I got home early, I told Greg that I had missed him and that the conference was stupid anyhow.

I hated myself. I still do when I think about it.

So I try not to think about it.

There are so many other things to feel shitty about that most days I can manage.

#character #writing #freewrite #Cam

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