• Elan Cassandra

Megan #1 - first-person narrative

I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m going to have to take something tonight. I just-- It wasn’t anything in particular. I don’t think I was thinking about anything. I just feel like the whole night I was in this constant state of gray--not really sleeping or really awake--I don’t even remember dreaming.

I’m tired. Cole wasn’t even kicking me. He’s peaceful back there. Sleeping. Why am I not sleeping? Being in the car makes me anxious. Even though we’re out in the middle of nowhere, it feels like there’s something bearing down around me. I’m such a complainer. I don’t know why I can’t just be happy. Why can’t I just be happy that we’re going to do something nice together as a family? We never take the time to do anything, and we finally are, so I have to enjoy it or I’ll be so mad at myself.

It’s not that we don’t spend time together. We do. We probably spend more time together than a lot of families do. It’s the not doing that gets to me. Nate could just lay in bed and cuddle and watch ESPN and he’d be happy enough, but I can’t. It makes me secretly angry on the inside, but that also makes me feel guilty. I don’t deserve him.

Nate just spends all of his time at work and working on his degree--so I get that when he has a chance to do nothing, that’s what he’d want. So I’m grateful that we’re doing this. I am. I just need to get out of my head and have fun. But some part of me is afraid that I won’t be able to enjoy it. That I’ll let things ruin it.

Honestly, I don’t even know what I want to do out here. I looked a bit at the website and it’s kind of overwhelming. There’s a bunch of trails and places to swim. There’s a waterfall somewhere, which I want to go to. And then there’s the caves, which obviously I’m not interested in. Nate was trying to tell me that the grand cavern is big and I won’t feel trapped, but I don’t believe him. He doesn’t really know.

I hope this wasn’t a mistake, I hope it doesn’t suck, and I hope Nate doesn’t hold it against me that he had to take this time off work.

He looks pretty peaceful. He almost always does. IT’s so weird to me how he can just listen to a song and have that be enough to entertain his mind. I can’t do that. My brain just goes everywhere and I hate it. Like right now. I like to be distracted. By books, preferably. I always loved Tamora Pierce, but I’m afraid I’m getting too old for her. The last couple books of hers felt sort of dead. The book I’m reading now feels that way too. It’s not by her--it’s something that was free on the kindle app. But it’s just in my head with this one. I know that. I just can’t pay attention.

Nate swerves and that pulls me out of wherever my head was at. My heart is beating so fast. There’s the adrenaline. Not so tired anymore. “What happened?” He says nothing, but that doesn’t make sense, so I ask him again. He says a bird almost hit the window and it freaked him out because he didn’t know what it was. I guess that’s possible. But he looks really unsettled. He looks like I feel.

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